I am not The OOP, OOP is Groundbreaking-Tie30
Wife is planning to leave me/has left me for my best friend and they've already started trying to get pregnant
Originally posted to r/survivinginfidelity
TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, betrayal
Original Post July 9, 2020
I guess I should call him my former best friend at this point, but it's hard to accept it's all gone just like that. You spend so many years with a person building a relationship, and one day it all turns to dust. I've know him since high school (~15 years ago). He was like a brother to me and like a son to my parents. When we were younger we were at each other's houses all the time. He was always coming with my family on trips and I did the same with his family. We've done so much together. He was the best man at my wedding and I would have been the best man at his wedding. Many trips and nights spent out together. Many times we helped each other. Many conversations about life, love and ourselves. He was always my go-to person in tight situations and when I needed advice. It's hard to say how much losing him hurts, because for whatever else he is he was always there for me when I needed him and a solid source of advice. He was a true friend, until he wasn't. It may be as big of a blow to lose him as losing my wife.
I've been married to my wife for almost five years, but we've been together for 7.
I remember when we first met. Love at first sight. She was gorgeous and had these really piercing blue eyes and a really infectious laugh. We hit it off and to my surprise she accepted when I asked her out even though I felt like she was out of my league. I fell even more in love with her as we got to know each other. She had such a passion for life and helping people. She was so kind and gentle with everyone, just a really warm person, and that made me love her more.
I loved being married to her, and I always felt our marriage was great, not even just good. I was not one of those husbands that let himself go. I took care of myself and ate well. I remembered all of our anniversaries and special dates. When she talked to me I listened and paid attention. I took an interest in her life genuinely because I loved her and it was important to me, but I also gave her space and avoided being too needy or clingy. I made sure to do my part around the house. I cleaned as much as she did. Our sex life was great, as far as I could tell. I did my best to love her and care for her the way a husband should and show her she was appreciated. I tried my best to keep dating her after we married. I can say without any doubt that I never took her for granted. I don't know what else I could have done. I have asked myself that over and over again, and I still don't know. I wonder if I did too much. Did she think I was too much of a pushover? Did she not respect me?
I'm not saying our marriage was perfect. We did have arguments, but they were never major ones.
The trouble started when my best friend broke up with his girlfriend. He was pretty upset about it and took it hard. I talked to him, but my wife asked me one day if I cared if she went out for a coffee with him to talk and give him a woman's view/opinion. I told her that was fine with me. She and my best friend were also friends. We'd done couples' trips with my friend and his girlfriend and she'd also hung out with him tons because he was around me so much.
I didn't think anything of it because their relationship never seemed inappropriate. I do remember him saying I was lucky and she was attractive when we first started dating and when I married her, but there were no inappropriate jokes or anything like that. My wife might have said he was handsome at some point, but that was it. I saw no red flags, and even after thinking about it more, I still don't see any. I never saw anything which made me think there was every a chance of them being more than friends.
When my wife came back from coffee she seemed a bit off. She was really angry with his ex and said that he deserved better. I remember telling her something like "he's young and he'll mend in time", and she seemed very upset by this. She said that he needed time and that whatever girl ended up with him would be very lucky and his ex was a fool to leave him. I may be misremembering parts of that conversation, but that was the basic gist. She was very sparse on details and very vague, but it didn't seem weird to me at that time. It seemed like she was being protective the same way I would be protective of him as my friend.
Her behavior started getting stranger after that night. She wasn't doing anything really overt or suspicious, but she was vague about what she was doing. She would say that she's going to see one of her friends or to run an errand. Stuff like that. I'm not a controlling person and she'd never given me a reason to doubt her, so I didn't make an issue out of it. And really at that time I didn't find it so strange.
I noticed my friend was being weird too, but I thought it was because of his split and him being depressed. I would invite him to hang out, and he'd turn me down which was unusual. He never had a reason other than he was "busy." I started seeing less and less of him, and when I did see him he was different. I would not say nervous but definitely seemed not to be comfortable.
He sent me a message asking me to stop by his house one day. He said we needed to talk about some things and he had to get some stuff off his chest.
I drove over there not suspecting anything. I knocked on the door and he came to answer. I tried to make some jokes and light conversation, and he completely ignored me. He asked me to go into the living room and there was my wife sitting on his couch. I don't know if I knew at that moment, but I did feel a sense of dread start to come over me.
She started crying almost as soon as I walked in and he jumped right in and told me that there was no easy way to say what he was about to say but he and my wife were in love and wanted to be together.
I stood there completely stunned. I felt like I wasn't even alive for a while. When I started to come back to my senses, they both tried to say how sorry they were and that they both loved me and regret it happening. They told me that this just happened and they never intended for things to turn out like this. They knew they were wrong but it didn't matter because they were in love. They both promised that they had not had sex and it was only an emotional affair. I'm not sure if that is true or not, but I don't know if it really matters.
And that is basically where we are now. Since that day I've gotten more texts from them apologizing and ones from my wife asking if I'm okay and telling me she's here for me and still cares for me, but I mostly ignore them. They aren't as frequent anymore either.
She decided to move out of our house. I didn't ask her where she was going, but a friend of mine told me that she moved in with my former friend as soon as she left.
That was only a few months ago. She stopped by the house a few days ago to pick up some things. I tried to avoid her, but then she asked me if I had a second. She told me that she and my former friend are trying to get pregnant. She wanted to give me a heads up so that we can deal with it as we go through our divorce. She also wanted to tell me personally because she felt like I deserved to know and hear it from her.
It hurt so much to hear how she's already moving on. We wanted to have children together, but she wanted to wait until she turned 30. Now he's going to get to be the father to her children and I'm going to have to watch her carry his child.
I am here looking for any advice you can give me. I don't know how to deal with her getting pregnant. I feel like that's going to be a struggle and source of pain once it happens. I feel so jealous of him because he is getting the life I wanted with her. I also know that her getting pregnant is really the end. Once that happens there's no chance we could reconcile. I have considered asking her to try counseling, but I haven't because I doubt she would be interested since she wants him and a life together with him.
I also don't know how to process all of this. I don't know how they could both do something like this or how I could not see it. I don't understand why she left when we were happy. I feel like I don't believe in anything anymore. If you can't trust your wife and best friend and a marriage doesn't last with as much effort as I put in then nothing is real and life is all one big lie.
Life just isn't fair sometimes.
Edit: a typo
Update:
First of all I want to thank everyone who commented and everyone who sent me messages of support. The last few days have been the best I've had since my wife left. I feel like I'm at least able now to think of what comes next. I really don't know how to thank you all, but just know that the support I've gotten has helped.
I don't have much of an update, but I thought you guys deserved to know about a few things.
1) I decided I am going to message my former friend's ex to see what her version of the breakup is. Nothing may come of it, but I think I have to at least see if I can find out anything else.
2) I had talked to one attorney but haven't really gotten serious about a lawyer. Next week I will start a serious look for one. My friends and family have given me some recommendations, so I will go through their list.
3) I don't know when I will start it, but I'm pretty sure I'll enroll in some type of counseling. I don't feel like my mental state right now is very good, and I don't think I have the tools to pull myself out of this. I need help.
4) I am thinking of writing to my wife and ex friend. A lot of you asked me why I didn't do anything to him when they told me, and that bothered me because I realized I never took the change to tell them how I feel and how they've hurt me. I feel like they need to know even if they don't care.
5) There were a lot of other suggestions about things to do to help deal with the situation. I'm going to make some changes around my house to try and make things more comfortable here until I can move. I will also try to keep myself busy, but in reality the hard part so far has been nights when I am alone and it is quiet like now.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
brianmcg321
Depending on your state you can sue for alienation of affection.
I would look into that. I would go absolutely nuclear on them.
This is so devastating to read. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
OOP
I am in NC. I think that is an option here.
I feel like I am in some alternate reality right now second guessing everything.
Update August 12, 2020 (1 month later)
I want to thank you guys again for all of the messages of support you've sent and all of the advice. I never expected internet strangers to care that much about me or my situation, but it's done me a lot of good to be reminded of how kind and good people can be. I tried to respond to most of my messages, but even if I didn't please know that I read them and it helped me to know that I had so much support.
I also want to apologize to everyone for not updating sooner. I know I have been saying I would post an update for a few weeks, but every time I thought about it I just couldn't force myself to do it but I'm in a good place to write it today.
One of the things a lot of people recommended on the original was for me to contact my ex friend's (just going to say EF for ease) ex girlfriend to see if she knew anything about his affair with my wife. I did contact her but she confirmed EF's story about the reasons for their breakup. I asked if she had noticed anything weird or had any reason to suspect he was involved at all with another woman before they split, and she said she didn't have any suspicions. I doubt she has any reason not to be honest with me and she seemed genuinely shocked that they ended up together, so I believe her.
In my first post I added an update about writing my EF and wife a letter for closure. Most of you advised me not to do this. I decided to follow that advice. I wrote it for myself but I didn't send it. I think you guys were right that it was better to not send it since they wouldn't care anyway.
I finally chose an attorney to represent me a few weeks ago. He was someone that was recommended to me and I felt like I could trust him to protect me and make sure I came out of the divorce as whole as possible. I officially filed for divorce last week. That was a hard day but I knew it had to happen. I won't say that there isn't still a part of me that fantasizes about her coming back and saying she made a mistake and wants to start over, but that's not realistic and I can't live my life based on a fantasy that will never happen.
I think any boost I felt leading up to the filing was taken away by the filing and I have been feeling more depressed again. I looked into some personal counseling like you guys suggested but I decided now was not the best time. I recently started a new project at work and with some of the changes I've made in my life I've been staying busy, which helps.
It will probably sound crazy to say this but there is also a part of me that doesn't really want to feel better. I feel like this is how I should feel when my marriage is ending.
About the alienation of affection suit. I decided not to pursue it. I know that most of you wanted me to do this but my attorney told me that it wouldn't be easy and he couldn't guarantee anything. I just don't care about the money. Even if I had pursued it and won it wouldn't have changed anything. And my main desire right now is to be done with this as soon as possible. I have decided to move away and start over once this is done and I can't do that until my divorce wraps up.
The only other interesting update I have is that after my wife got her papers she contacted me asking if we could meet and talk. I haven't responded and don't know if I will. I don't feel like I have anything left to say to her and I don't think she has anything to tell me that I want to hear.
As far as what I've been doing. I've been running more. I've done some reading. Tried yoga and some meditation. I liked the yoga but the meditation not so much. Work has been much busier which is good. I thought about learning French but I probably will put that on hold for now. I have some other projects I started for my hobbies. Took fishing up again. Just really trying to stay busy so I don't have as much time alone where my mind is idle.
As far as what changes I've made around the house. I got rid of a lot of trinkets and things that reminded me of my wife. I did end up getting a body pillow for my bed, and as dumb as that seems, it helped me relax more. I am still staying in the guest room but I may move back into the master soon. It doesn't matter much as this point. I still am not sleeping well and don't think changing rooms would make a difference.
That's about it. I have been reading a lot more about failed relationships and through some of the sites that were recommended to me. I watched one video on Youtube that has helped me reframe the way I thought about our relationship. I won't link it since I don't know if that is okay, but the short version is that the man giving the talk says that if the person you were with moves on quickly from you then they weren't really your one. I try now to think about my wife that way. I thought she was my one but she never really was if she could do all of this. He also made some really good points about memories and accepting when someone you cared about becomes a memory.
That's really all I have to say. Not a really happy or eventful update but that's how it goes I guess.
RELEVANT COMMENTS FROM OOP
It feels like that's probably what she wants - a chance to try and make herself feel like a less crappy person and to get some type of closure. It's just amazing to me after everything she has done that she would still feel entitled to that.
I would definitely say that my mood has changed a lot. I don't feel as sad in the same way anymore, but I feel a lot more anger. Even just typing about her on here makes me really angry. I don't like feeling that way but that is how I feel nonetheless.
One last comment from OOP
A lot has been happening, but I'm not ready to talk about it right now. I know that's not much of an update, but I will try to update when things are in a better place. I just don't know when that will be.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
