Ryan O'Halloran: Predicting what will be said after every Bills game this season (2024)

The Buffalo Bills’ schedule is out, so it’s time for our second annual “What We Think Will Be Said After Each Game” exercise, a highly sophisticated project meant to amuse:

Sept. 8 vs. Arizona: Hey, a 1 p.m. start to open the season! The Cardinals are presented on a silver platter as the Bills win. “My goal besides winning was simple: Make sure this game doesn’t come down to a Cardinals Hail Mary throw,” said quarterback Josh Allen in reference to Arizona’s 2020 win.

Sept. 12 at Miami: A semi-scheduling break as the Bills get the Thursday prime-time game in Miami instead of a sweltering 1 p.m. kickoff. Dalton Kincaid and Dawson Knox both have fourth-quarter touchdown catches. “Just like Micah Hyde always said, it felt like a home game down here,” defensive tackle Ed Oliver said.

Sept. 23 vs. Jacksonville: It doesn’t get any worse than a Bills home game on a weekday night. I might just drive straight from the airport to Orchard Park after getting back from Miami. The Bills move to 3-0 with this Monday night as Von Miller gets on the board with his first sack. “I’ve already exceeded my sack total from all of last year,” Miller said.

Sept. 29 at Baltimore: A superpower Sunday night game for NBC. Two of my proudest professional moments – nicknaming running back Derrick Henry as “The Yulee Bulldozer” (his Florida hometown) when he was in high school and CBS announcer Ian Eagle using the nickname during the Titans’ playoff win over Baltimore after the 2019 season. Henry leads Baltimore to a win. “They didn’t have guys that big in the Pac 12,” rookie safety Cole Bishop said.

Oct. 6 at Houston: How in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is this a 1 p.m. game … unless the schedule-makers watched Stefon Diggs’ 2023 tape and have low expectations of him facing his former team. “I’m not talking,” Diggs told The Buffalo News after catching two passes for 7 yards in the Bills’ win.

Oct. 14 at N.Y. Jets: It’s the Bills at the Jets on a Monday night for the second consecutive year. Let’s see if Allen can avoid a third consecutive Meadowlands train-wreck loss. Allen outduels Aaron Rodgers. “It helps when your quarterback doesn’t play like (bleep),” said Allen, a play on his words from 2022.

Oct. 20 vs. Tennessee: A short week against an opponent that loaded up on talent during the offseason. The Bills author their first stinker of the year in a loss. “Maybe this is just what we needed after starting 5-1 – some humble pie,” defensive tackle DaQuan Jones said.

Oct. 27 at Seattle: The Seahawks finally decided they needed to fix their defense, and they will be sneaky good with new coach Mike Macdonald. Seattle beats the Bills. “At some point, one of our receivers needs to prove they can consistently get open,” coach Sean McDermott said.

Nov. 3 Miami: The Bills have the Dolphins’ number and avoid a three-game losing streak by beating Miami on a balmy 45-degree day. “The election is in two days, but here’s my vote – Josh Allen for president and NFL MVP!” left tackle Dion Dawkins said.

Nov. 10 at Indianapolis: Two of the most physically imposing quarterbacks in the league face off for the first time – Allen vs. the Colts’ Anthony Richardson. It’s not a full-blown crisis, but the Bills lose for the third time in four weeks. “If you want to write we were looking ahead to the Chiefs, I won’t disagree,” a Bills veteran said.

Nov. 17 vs. Kansas City: Chiefs-Bills gets the CBS 4:25 p.m. treatment – that had to be a battle royal to keep that game instead of losing it to prime time. The game turns on a second successful replay challenge by McDermott. “One of our game balls goes to John Parry for recommending those challenges,” McDermott said of the Bills’ new officiating guy, rules guy, replay guy.

Nov. 24 Bye: “OK, guys, let’s make this a less eventful bye week than last year,” McDermott tells the players on Monday, a subtle reference to Miller’s arrest last year.

Dec. 1 vs. San Francisco: A Super Bowl preview? The Bills face 49ers quarterback Brock Purdy for the first time and struggle to find answers for Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk, Christian McCaffrey and George Kittle in a loss. “It stinks to lose, but at least we won’t have to win the rest of our games to make the playoffs,” center Connor McGovern said.

Dec. 8 at L.A. Rams: This 4:25 p.m. game on FOX could be the only Bills game for new announcer Tom Brady. The Bills pick on cornerback Tre’Davious White in a close win. “I have to say – watching Josh Allen play is better than being the subject of a roast,” Brady said as he left the broadcast booth.

Dec. 15 at Detroit: Likely another Jim Nantz/Tony Romo game in the 4:25 p.m. window. The Bills’ fans flood Ford Field to take away some of the crowd noise, but the Lions win a track meet as time expires. “Wouldn’t mind another shot at that team,” running back James Cook said.

Dec. 22 vs. New England: The woeful Patriots twice in the last three weeks? Talk about a soft underbelly to get to the finish line. Cornerback Rasul Douglas intercepts rookie quarterback Drake Maye two times. “All I want for Christmas is another game against the Patriots,” Douglas said. He’ll get another one in two weeks.

Dec. 28 vs. N.Y. Jets (flexed from Sunday 1 p.m. to Saturday 4:30 p.m.): Close Rodgers friend Robert F. Kennedy Jr. makes the trip here for what is basically an AFC East championship game. The Bills clinch their franchise record fifth consecutive division title with a win on rookie Keon Coleman’s touchdown catch. “I’m so happy that I’m going to buy everybody in this locker room a new coat,” Coleman said.

Jan. 5 at New England: The division and the AFC’s No. 3 seed locked up, McDermott takes Allen out of the game after a series. The Bills still win. “It’s always a blast when you get a chance to play in this league,” backup quarterback Mitchell Trubisky said.

Final record: 11-6.